Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Who's the Line Leader Bitch?

First off, check out the book I read to the kids today. I need to holla at C. Monster to get a hold of cookie flavored Jim Hats. Anyway...according to the state of Illinois, I have Basic Skills. These are the skills Big Brother aka Mr. Government says you must possess in order to educate the youth in this state. My basic skills consist of procrastinating, verbally clowning adolescents, reeking of alcohol (students tell me "You smell like daddy") and having the quickest clockout hand in all schools east of the Mississippi. In short, I teach. 5th grade. Actually, I am 50% teacher, 50% Gunnery Sgt. Hartmen (for all you Kubrick fans out there). One of the great perks of being a teacher is half days. Especially in this state. We get days such as...Pulaski Day, Lincoln's B-day, Rod Blagojevich Hair Day, Daddy's Home From Mistress/Jail Day, Richard M. Daley 'Basically' I'm Drunk Day, and a wide assortment of other days off. Today was a half day...you know one of those "Teacher Professional Development Days" when slightly to grossly overweight teachers get together, shove fried food, doughnuts, and coffee down their gullets and trade stories about the kids in their class who in the future will wind up in a correctional facility, working at a Chicagoland tow yard, or cooking crank in an abandon farmhouse somewhere south of Terre Haute, IN. Yeah, one of those days. Awesome.
At the end of the day, while waiting to dismiss the kids in the hall, I hear a youngster in the back of the line YELL..."You ain't the line leader BITCH!" As the entire class (in unison) is going "OOOOOOHHHHH," I'm holding back laughter and saying to myself, damn! Dude just got punked like a lil bitch. But just as I want to laugh and incite violence between children, my Basic Skills take over. As I'm walking over to the two gentlemen who by the way, are in an argument over who gets to walk out 3.5 feet before the other one, Student A decides to take Student B's head and push it directly into a wall. Wow. Nice prison move, straight for the throat, quick, possibly deadly. I like it. Especially from an 11 year old. At this point, basic skills have absolutely no worth whatsoever. The only thing i could do is react...so...I grab Student A by the back pack, pick him up off his feet and toss him aside, all while saying, "poor choice young man, very poor choice." After I got them separated, I had a discussion/clowning session with the 2 gents about the 'special relationship' the boys must have because they just love putting their hands on each other. This makes 5th graders angry. Gay is NOT cool in 5th grade. In the end, they both got in school suspension for 1 day. Just another day at the ol' office. Can't wait to go back tomorrie.


OtherJason said...

I know secretly you are hoping that CPS had some sort of Battle Royale scenerio in place for your little hellions. Fight to the death.

Anonymous said...

I like how you solved this situation by teasing 5th graders that they were gay. So obviously middle coast.

JasonToo said...

more please. can you write a story every day? it makes my job look friggin awesome.