Tuesday, December 05, 2006

I thought I would try this.....

Here I am, sitting at work, trying to get through another day. It's been 23 days since I received the most devastating, shocking, unbelieveable news of my life. My brother is gone. And here I sit, at work. WHAT? What am I doing here? I know, I know, I keep hearing "you have to go on with your life" and "life goes on" and "Jason wouldn't have wanted you to fall apart" Blah, blah, blah. I hear people around me as I write this laughing, talking, working and I just want to scream "HOW CAN EVERYONE JUST BE SO....NORMAL?!?!?" Who cares about the holiday party and what food to bring? Who cares about the fucking weather? Who cares about any of it?

I miss him so much. That seems so trite to say. I don't know what else to say. No words can ever express how much he means to me. I am so screwed up about a lot of things right now. I don't know what to think. I feel like he is with me, and I feel like I have received signs from him but maybe I'm just reaching and hoping for that. I hope I'm wrong about a lot of things. I hope he knows how much I love him. And I hope with all of my being that I will see him again. I visit Jas almost every day and I talk to him a lot. I hope he can hear me. JasonToo - I know what you mean. I feel very much like you wrote down some of my thoughts.

I feel like he made me a better person. Although I am the older sister, I feel like he taught me so much. I felt more like twins, or even that he was older than me. He's so fucking witty and smart and awesome. ( I know he is totally digging this) I want to read every book he read, watch every movie, go to every website he went to, see every band he loved. He always made me a little bit cooler. He'd be like "Hey Jenn, there's this awesome new band - let's go see them" We would go, or at the very least he would burn me the CD. I would always love the band, and then 6 months later the band would be huge. How did he do that?!?! He was always ahead of his time. I fucking love that about him.

I feel that I have rambled a bit, but I thought I would try this to see if it helped me at all. Maybe it will at some point, maybe I'll feel better as soon as I post this. Who knows?
Long Live the middleCoast
Bye for now.


JasonToo said...

So, does it feel better yet? It worked a bit for me, I think. Thanks for sharing, anyway, and believe me - we're not alone.

Also, I am trying to post the Top Ten Albums of the Year blog, so stay tuned.


Jamie said...

Jen..I think you wrote well and it always helps to express your emotions in words...be it happy, sad, mad, or whatever. You are so loved and surrounded by so many that love you. Jason was a lucky guy to have you as a sister...and we'll all miss his wit and charm!! Love you!

Senor Juevos said...

Jennifer - I hope you do feel better after writing...it sometimes helps. I know he can hear us all, just like we hear him...and yep, he LOVES when you talk about his witty banter and penchant for excellent tunes. I would recommend bringing whiskey to the corporate holiday party. Schrizza would like it and you're guaranteed a good time (but you're not guaranteed your job the next day). Keep your head up girl. Take care.